Ode to a friend
Hi friend,
These days it's getting harder and harder to impress you, because let's face it, nothing i do impresses you. You're completely right, honesty is the best policy...in life, and i'm so sorry that i've lied about things during the month of Ramadan and that i've lied to you...multiple times. You seem to think it's because whatever it is that i'm hiding is wrong and that i am falling into a big giant hole. Let me put things into some sort of perspective, because for some reason, in front of you i cannot explain in words. I'm doing what i think is right, you can hate me for it, you can stop watching me...but you can never and will never understand how much i feel for this person. I told you before and im telling you now, i'm in love with him and he's hurt me a lot, no denying that, but he's also made me so happy. And that happiness is more than how much he's hurt me. Nothing is a guarantee, no promises can be made forever because that would not be true. But i swear to God, if there is a God, there is a chance in the future. Maybe you don't understand because there's no logic to my love. There is no logic. It's in no way an ideal situation. But i will not run away and close this chapter. I will put myself first because i have to, you know the situation and that its not there yet...yet...but i will let it get there if it does. I know you care deeply for me, try to understand that the way you care for me is the way i care for him. Despite you being here, he didn't leave my mind..ever. I showed you my anger towards it because that was the only way i could move past it, but i realized, what the hell am i trying to move past. And i swear if he said to me that he didn't love me, i would.stop.everything. and move on. Do you know how hard it is to hear that someone you love loves you back and you wish you could just jump into their arms but you can't because of everything? I know i need my time to grow but i needed my time to grow back in september as well, but you happened. See how life works out? Nothing goes in optimal ways. The only thing that hurts me is how much it hurts you. you think i'm blind? You don't think i see that you care for me? You really think i'm ignorant towards your feelings? When i make someone cry i don't take it lightly ever. I'm sorry, i'm sorry i was never 100% about you, i'm sorry, so goddamn sorry. I'm gonna tell you that you need space. Because it hurts you, i see it. The way you act with me is a lot more than just a best friend, and i thought it would be okay because we were on the same page...now it doesnt seem like we are. Because as soon as i pull away, you're unimpressed. I can't be the same with you, it hurts you don't you see? You get carried away, your thoughts go flying. I don't want to do that to you. You're not my back burner. NO ONE deserves to be anyone's back burner. I love you and i care for you, i'm not in love with you..i'm sorry. I'm sorry you're changing into this dark person that i don't understand. You have this attitude where you don't want to deal with things because you're exhausted. How much i don't like what you're doing, but this is what you need to do so go do it. You're running away..you're running away. Remember what you told me? Remember the friends who have been there for you since. The ones who have loved you all along. Recognize them, see the good in them. Please. I can't see you like this, you're changing. I don't wanna hurt you..please. Do what's good for you, emotion full killer.
-Kitty
These days it's getting harder and harder to impress you, because let's face it, nothing i do impresses you. You're completely right, honesty is the best policy...in life, and i'm so sorry that i've lied about things during the month of Ramadan and that i've lied to you...multiple times. You seem to think it's because whatever it is that i'm hiding is wrong and that i am falling into a big giant hole. Let me put things into some sort of perspective, because for some reason, in front of you i cannot explain in words. I'm doing what i think is right, you can hate me for it, you can stop watching me...but you can never and will never understand how much i feel for this person. I told you before and im telling you now, i'm in love with him and he's hurt me a lot, no denying that, but he's also made me so happy. And that happiness is more than how much he's hurt me. Nothing is a guarantee, no promises can be made forever because that would not be true. But i swear to God, if there is a God, there is a chance in the future. Maybe you don't understand because there's no logic to my love. There is no logic. It's in no way an ideal situation. But i will not run away and close this chapter. I will put myself first because i have to, you know the situation and that its not there yet...yet...but i will let it get there if it does. I know you care deeply for me, try to understand that the way you care for me is the way i care for him. Despite you being here, he didn't leave my mind..ever. I showed you my anger towards it because that was the only way i could move past it, but i realized, what the hell am i trying to move past. And i swear if he said to me that he didn't love me, i would.stop.everything. and move on. Do you know how hard it is to hear that someone you love loves you back and you wish you could just jump into their arms but you can't because of everything? I know i need my time to grow but i needed my time to grow back in september as well, but you happened. See how life works out? Nothing goes in optimal ways. The only thing that hurts me is how much it hurts you. you think i'm blind? You don't think i see that you care for me? You really think i'm ignorant towards your feelings? When i make someone cry i don't take it lightly ever. I'm sorry, i'm sorry i was never 100% about you, i'm sorry, so goddamn sorry. I'm gonna tell you that you need space. Because it hurts you, i see it. The way you act with me is a lot more than just a best friend, and i thought it would be okay because we were on the same page...now it doesnt seem like we are. Because as soon as i pull away, you're unimpressed. I can't be the same with you, it hurts you don't you see? You get carried away, your thoughts go flying. I don't want to do that to you. You're not my back burner. NO ONE deserves to be anyone's back burner. I love you and i care for you, i'm not in love with you..i'm sorry. I'm sorry you're changing into this dark person that i don't understand. You have this attitude where you don't want to deal with things because you're exhausted. How much i don't like what you're doing, but this is what you need to do so go do it. You're running away..you're running away. Remember what you told me? Remember the friends who have been there for you since. The ones who have loved you all along. Recognize them, see the good in them. Please. I can't see you like this, you're changing. I don't wanna hurt you..please. Do what's good for you, emotion full killer.
-Kitty
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