Burning red

I don't know where my life is going right now. I should really be focusing on studying for my final on friday, but i just can't seem to focus right now. My mind is all over the place. And honestly, I cannot wait to talk to someone about all of this. Because maybe they can help me find some clarity, or make me see things in a different perspective. I hate that i have to wait that long because I feel like i'm going insane. It's just too much. Today i ended up telling one of my good friends what happened over the summer, everything that is. And it was so embarrassing because i ended up crying. And this was at school, aka public humiliation by yours truly. It just sucks when you think you've moved so far but then this sudden burst of emotion comes out and your progress seems minimal. Honestly, i don't know how to explain it. I don't know if anyone will ever get it. I don't know if it'll heal, i don't know when this void will be filled. I don't know anything at this point. Everything just hurts. Is there a way to check out of life? Because i don't want to live like this anymore. I will seriously go insane. I'm not scared of death anymore, so if death wants to come, it can take me. Because I don't care about being judged or anything, I know where i'm going at the end. Is it possible to be so depressed that you just don't give a shit anymore? I love my friends and family, i really do. But i'm so tired...I don't believe in anything genuine anymore. I turn to religion but sometimes religion is just...semi-present. I'm turning into an individual who only enjoys the superficial things in life, and by superficial i mean, no depth whatsoever. Boundaries are blurred and I don't know what i'm doing. I don't know where i'm going. I just want to be found in an alley somewhere, overdosed on like drugs of some sort. OC reference if that wasn't clear enough. I feel like i am at my most vulnerable part in my life, and all i can do is keep living, but i don't want to anymore. I'm so tired, i'm mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. 

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